Lindsey Hickman
September 23, 2013
COM 200 Interpersonal Communication
Instructor: Adam Gutschmidt
Dear Newly Engaged Couple,
Congratulations on the engagement. I would like to give you some advice on how to build a strong relationship based on interpersonal communications tools I learned in a course I recently took. Quality communication has consistently shown a link between happy marriages (Schoenberg, 2011), and I would like to help you two better understand how to achieve that by giving you examples of five principle concepts that include identifying barriers to effective interpersonal interactions, recognizing how words have the power to create attitude, recognizing how self-concept and behaviors can affect conversation climate, understanding how perceptions, emotions and nonverbal expressions can affect your relationship, and how to evaluate appropriate levels of self-disclosure in your relationship.
In order to have effective conversations, you first must be able to identify the barriers to effective interpersonal interactions. There are three common communication problems in a relationship that stem from behaviors of one or both parties. Silence, or refusing to communicate; placating, which means to soothe or calm someone by being nice or giving in to demands, and the third being game playing. These behaviors can sabotage your relationship and stand in the way of honest, open communications (Sole, 2011 Ch. 9.1).
Trust me, by avoiding these behaviors you can build a strong relationship. This is an area that I have struggled with during my marriage; I have a tendency to shut down when I am upset about something just to avoid confrontation. But by letting the small things build up, eventually they fester and you will end up going to bed angry over silly things. You’re in it for the long haul, so trust each other enough to talk it out.
With that being said, remember, words are powerful tools. It is important that you recognize the power your words toward each other, and the affect they can have on attitudes, behavior, and perception.
When you get rushed and preoccupied, you stop taking the perspective of the other person (Anonymous, 2011), and that is possibly the biggest offense against communication in a relationship. People commonly believe that they communicate better with close friends than with strangers and that closeness can lead people to overestimate how well they communicate. (Anonymous, 2011).
Think about it this way, there are two kinds of words. Denotations are the words that can be found in the dictionary, or that we can accurately picture in our minds when we hear them used, those are pretty easy like “couch” or “curtains”. It is the abstract words and connotations that you need to be mindful of. Abstract words like freedom or feelings are less specific and more subject to interpretation.
Connotations are what the word suggests or implies, and gives words the power of emotional impact.
Being aware of the types of words you choose to use in your communication is important because your spouse may not accurately interpret your meaning and become defensive, hurt, upset, or even angry.
Part of knowing each other, is learning and valuing how one-another’s self-concept can influence how your messages are received. It is important to recognize you come from different upbringings and those weigh heavily in your self-image and self-esteem. People internalize lifelong judgments by parents, teachers, and peers; sometimes there are triggers that affect your self-concept and can, in turn, change communication climates. For instance, my husband’s father was a very lazy man. His mom worked two jobs while his dad lied around the house all day. Because of that, my husband is a very hard worker, almost to a fault. I have learned that this is a sensitive subject for him, so I careful to never say anything that would imply I thought he wasn’t doing enough, and to acknowledge that he is a fantastic supporter of our family. I made the mistake of one time saying I felt like I was taking on most of the burdens because he was gone all the time. This is an excellent example of how perceptions affect communication. He perceived that as an attack on his contributions, when I was simply trying to explain that I needed more moral support, not financial.
Non-verbal communication and emotions will be other contributors to your relationship. Understanding emotions and expressing these emotions appropriately is the key to successful communication with each other. Being aware of each others’ emotions and being sensitive to them will allow you to maintain a fulfilling relationship and better handle ups and downs of life. When something upsets your spouse, validate how they are feeling. Sometimes validation doesn’t take words. You can show that you care with nonverbal expression by making eye contact, body language, a frown, or a hug. Be aware however, that nonverbal behaviors such as an eye roll, shoulder shrug, or look away can portray that you do not care, or be perceived as antagonistic.
One of the best things about being married is knowing that you have each other forever. You vow to love each other through thick and thin until you die. This means that have the rest of your lives to get to know each other in and out; you can share your dreams, hopes, plans and family.
Self-disclosure is sharing your true self with another person; your beliefs, ideas and experience and how you feel about them are just the start of it. Because you are in an intimate relationship, you should understand that you have both risked feeling vulnerable by sharing your deepest thoughts, fears, feelings and flaws and full self-disclosure should be equal. By mutually investing in each other, you will feel closer and have a greater likely of relationship success.
Quality communication has consistently shown a link between happy marriages and "self-disclosure," or sharing your private feelings, fears, doubts and perceptions with your partner (Schoenberg, 2011). This is very true; sharing intimate details of your past is a great way to grow together, building trust and respect. It is only through exposing yourself through interpersonal communication and risking rejections or loss that you can hope to establish an intimate relationship (Sole, 2011).
One day, you realize that you have told each other all of your deep secrets from your past, and all of your memories are new ones you’ve made together. This is when self-disclosure becomes a priority to keep conversation and engagement interesting. I read an article by Nara Schoenberg called “Can we talk,” during the course, and found it particularly helpful for explaining the importance of thoughtful, engaged conversation, followed by validation and affirmation. I especially enjoyed her suggestion of setting aside a few minutes a day to engage each other in conversation.
She wrote that couples who set aside 10-minutes per day to discuss topics such as,
favorite books, best friends or dream vacations are less likely to divorce. Every single day is a good starting point for couples seeking to reconnect by following her 10-minute rule, so if you slip up and start feeling disconnected, any day is the perfect day to start over. She detailed that affective affirmation your partner feel loved, cared for, and can be as simple as a hug, a thank you or buying a partner's favorite food. As for implementing this, consider that men tend to favor gestures of affirmation over words, while women tend to go with verbal affirmation (Schoenberg, 2011), but really you should just be thoughtful of one another’s needs.
I would like to add one more valuable suggestion, that is, limit the amount of mediated communication you use, and put your phone away. Texts have changed the way we write, obliterating conventional punctuations and replacing properly spelled words with abbreviations, initials and ‘emoticon’ smiley symbols. Last year the word ‘sexting’ (sending explicit images of yourself with a text) entered the Oxford dictionary, while it was revealed that one-in-ten twenty-somethings have texted while having sex (Thomas, 2012). I would venture to say that social media like Facebook, Twitter and Skype provide open communication with strangers, and can easily distract you from communicating with one another, so shut it down.
Don’t rely on texting as your primary form of communication. It is great for a mid-day “I miss you” and a smiley face, however the problem with texting is that rather than hearing a tone, it is easy to misread and interpret what is meant. Never text important messages that require emotion, save those for face-to-face conversations, and never text when you are upset. Save good news for face-to-face also; whatever you do, do not text him that you are pregnant! No emoji face or acronym will replace a real hug and laugh.
Communication is the key to maintaining a happy, healthy, life-long marriage. As with any important factor in life, you have to continue working on this element as you evolve and grow as a together. By acknowledging and validating each other’s opinions, thoughts, emotions, you can effectively avoid fighting and bickering by being compassionate with your word choices; you can do that by implementing the five principle concepts addressed in this letter. Just remember to always identify barriers to effective interpersonal interactions, recognize the power of your words, make every attempt to understand each others’ perceptions, emotions and try to be open with each other as often as possible, but absolutely making sure to set at least 10-minutes aside for it each day.
References
Anonymous (2011). Close Relationships Sometimes Mask Poor Communication: June 24, 2011. Retrieved on September 6, 2013 from http://health.usnews.com/health- news/family-health/brain-and-behavior/articles/2011/01/24/close-relationships- sometimes-mask-poor-communication
Schoenberg, Nara (2011 January 14). Can We Talk? Chicago Times retrieved on September 22, 2013 from http://articles.chicagotribune.com/2011-01- 14/features/sc-fam-0111-talk-relationship-20110111_1_happy-marriages-couples- marital-therapy
Sole, K. (2011). Making connections: Understanding interpersonal communication. San Diego, CA: Bridgepoint Education, Inc.
Thomas, David (On the 20th anniversary of the first mobile phone text message... How texting made history but ruined our language - and plenty of marriages! (December 12, 2012) Retrieved on October 5, 2013 from http://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/article-2241980/How-texting-history-ruined- language--plenty-marriages.html
No comments:
Post a Comment